Shattered
by dragonflybeach
Summary: Sam didn't look for Dean the year they were apart. He didn't now he was supposed to. AU version of the events of the year between Season 7 and Season 8. Now a two shot, by request, with Dean bringing Sam home.
1. Chapter 1

Jody called.

You were sitting on the back bumper of an ambulance while EMTs asked you what day it was and if you knew where you were while trying to start an IV. Four cops stood ten feet away discussing whether you were a suspect or a witness or a victim.

The phone rang and you looked at your pocket because you couldn't quite figure out what was going on. One of the EMTs answered and spoke to the person for a moment before putting the phone in your hand and raising it to your ear. You said "hello" because that seemed, in some distant memory, to be the thing to do.

Jody rattled off a half dozen questions before she stopped for a breath. When she did, all you could say is "He's gone."

The next hours _(days?)_ were fuzzy, but you know you were cold when Jody came.

You were in a small room with a locked door and no windows, dressed in only your t-shirt and boxers, laying on a bed with no blankets. You faced the wall because you always faced Dean when you slept but now Dean was gone. You knew it was probably a bad idea to have your back to the door, but if you faced the room you could see Dean wasn't there. At least with your back to the door you could pretend.

You don't know how long you were there or what really happened in between, but the door opened, and Jody came in. She sat on the side of your bed and brushed your hair away from your face and said "Come on, kiddo. I'm getting you out of here."

Someone in scrubs brought your clothes, and helped you dress. They gave Jody your belt and knives and gun. You gripped the armrests of your seat and hummed Metallica because the last time you were on a plane, Dean was with you.

Jody brought you to her house and put you in the guest room, where you sat on the side of the bed and stared at the wall for two days.

She finally came in, forced you to eat, and told you that you had to figure out what you were going to do. That you were welcome to stay as long as you needed, but you couldn't sit there and stare at the wall forever. She said you had to get through this, and if you couldn't do it on your own, she could get you some place where you could get help.

You didn't speak, but she could tell you didn't like that idea.

She asked if you wanted to go back to hunting.

"Not today." you said.

The next morning, you actually took a shower, came downstairs, and made coffee. Jody just smiled.

She made breakfast, and when she sat down across you, you said "I don't want to hunt any more."

"So what are you going to do?" she asked.

You froze.

You grew up hating hunting. You always wanted out. You wanted to be "normal". After Stanford, when you went back to hunting with Dean, you always said it was temporary. Until you found Dad. Until you found Jessica's killer. Until you got revenge for Dean. Until you found out what pulled Dean from Hell. Until you stopped the Apocalypse. Until you ... whatever.

But now, sitting in Jody's kitchen, you realized you had no idea how to do "normal. "

"It's ok." she said. "One step at a time."

That day while she was at work you put down salt lines at all the doors and windows, thinking how disappointed Dean would be because you hadn't done it already, and painted three hidden devil's traps. You told her she needed an anti-possession tattoo. She didn't say anything at the time, but a week later, she asked if it needed to be over her heart, or if she could get it somewhere else.

You took to doing things around the house. You washed dishes and vacuumed and folded laundry. You dropped a glass one day when you went to put it in the cabinet, and it shattered on the tile floor.

It shattered like Dick Roman had shattered when Dean and Cas killed him.

It shattered like your life had with Dean gone.

You dropped another one, to see it shatter as well.

When Jody got home, she found $20 on the counter with a note to buy more glasses, a trash can full of broken glass, and you passed out with half a bottle of bourbon beside the bed.

The next morning, Jody informed you all the alcohol in the house had been removed. She said she should have thought of it sooner, knowing that you had a family history of alcoholism.

You couldn't bring yourself to leave the house to buy more.

The days flowed into one long block of time, much of which was spent wondering where the past hour/day/week had gone. You knew that time passed, because Jody went to work and came home, the sun rose and set, and the garbage was picked up on Thursdays.

Most nights were the same. You sat for hours, with a pistol in your hand, or the eleven assorted pain pills, half bottle of generic brand Advil, and six muscle relaxer tablets that were left in the bottom of the first aid kit, trying to find the nerve to send yourself to Dean.

You never did, because of the lingering fear in the back of your mind that you wouldn't end up in Heaven with Dean, but back in the Cage, for eternity this time.

One day you heard Jody pull up in front of the house, and a diesel engine idling outside. You looked out to find a flatbed wrecker unloading Dean's car onto Jody's driveway.

You sank to your knees under the living room window, shuddering and sobbing until you heard the diesel engine drive away. You managed to stumble out the front door to see the car up close.

The headlights were broken and the paint was scratched all the way back to the doors where it had gone through the Sucrocorp sign. Both front tires were flat, the windshield was cracked, and the passenger side front fender was caved in.

You pulled open the door on the passenger side, your side, and sank into the seat, asking hopefully "Dean? Cas?"

There was no response.

You knew it was ridiculous to even hope that their spirits had attached to the car. They died inside the building, and the car was outside.

But for some reason, you felt like you lost them all over again.

The next thing you remember, it was dark, you were in your bed in Jody's house, and she had brought you soup and tea.

"I can have the car taken somewhere else." she offered.

"No." was all you could say.

To your surprise, the car started right up, and ran like nothing had happened. The damage was strictly cosmetic.

You had enough cash to buy two new tires, so you took the rims off and Jody took you to town Saturday.

People nodded to you in passing as if they knew you, and it was only after the man at the tire shop said "Sorry about Bobby and your brother." that you realized they somewhat did. They knew you from all the times you and Dean had been dumped off on "Uncle" Bobby when you were kids and all the times the two of you had come to see him as adults.

Sioux Falls, South Dakota was more your hometown than Lawrence, Kansas was.

You asked the man about the best place to get new headlights and the car painted.

You realized it would probably be pretty bad if the sheriff you were staying with had to arrest you for credit card fraud. Then it dawned on you that you didn't even know how long you'd been living on Jody's hospitality.

On the way home, you turned to her and said "I need a job."

She smiled and said "I've been waiting for you to say that."

The sheriff's office had several guns that needed repair, and you just happened to have the tools and knowledge to fix them. As soon as they were done, Jody mentioned to some officers she knew in other jurisdictions and the gossipy waitress at the diner that she had found an expert gunsmith, and soon you had all the work you wanted.

You slowly returned to the land of the living. You got the car fixed and took Jody to dinner one night. You managed to go to the store a few times and it was all right as long as no one tried to talk to you about Dean or Bobby.

Jody didn't say anything about the nights you went outside to sit in the Impala and talk to Dean, or just to cry. She always left you something to drink when you came back in.

You went with Jody when she finally got the anti-possession tattoo. She had it put just under her collarbone and above her son's initials, which were already over her heart.

You discovered that you missed touch. You spent thirty years with Dean, used to sitting in his lap or curling into his side when you were kids, which gradually evolved into pats on the arm or sitting with your shoulders touching or even horseplaying when you were adults.

You started hugging Jody when she left for work and sitting beside her to watch tv. When she had a really bad day, you laced your fingers through hers and listened to her talk about it.

You kissed her for the first time a week later.

By the week after that, the two of you were making out like teenagers while watching tv in the evenings.

The first time you had sex it was hard and fast and desperate on the floor of the living room. Afterwards, you started crying and you didn't even know why. She took your hand and led you to her room, where she snuggled you up and stroked your hair until you fell asleep.

It took another week before you moved into her bedroom permanently.

Five weeks later, you realized you hadn't worn a condom the first time when you heard her retching in the bathroom first thing in the morning.

You were shocked. Jody, who had been suspecting for several days, not so much.

You asked her to marry you, because that's what Dad would have expected.

She rolled her eyes and told you that when needed a man to take care of her, she would let you know, thank you very much.

You cried yourself to sleep that night because your child would never meet Dean.

When you found out it was a boy, you cried for two days because you realized that _his_ brother, Jody's first son, was already dead.

The first time you had a panic attack over the situation was in Babies R Us, looking at cribs. You had faced demons, angels, vengeful spirits, wendigos, vampires, shapeshifters, the Hookman, and dozens of other supernatural creatures.

The second scariest thought you ever had was the realization that you were going to be responsible for a real live human being, and had to raise him to eighteen at least without screwing him up too much.

The scariest thought you ever had was that Dean was never coming back, and you were still having regular panic attacks that one.

You found the "normal" you had been looking for your whole life. You lived with Jody as a couple. She went to work, and you worked in the garage fixing and customizing guns. The two of you discussed things like child care arrangements and whether to buy a new washing machine.

She gave you space to grieve, but didn't let you wallow in it.

You didn't know if you loved her, or if she loved you, or if the two of you were together because you understood what it was like to have no one else. In the end, you decided it really didn't matter.

Once in a while, you'd see something in the news, you would know there was a case, but you had no interest in hunting. You'd email the info to Garth and maybe read the emails he sent back or maybe not.

Dean Robert Winchester was born two weeks early. You and Jody never considered naming him anything else, but you weren't sure what you were going to call him, because you couldn't imagine calling anyone else Dean. You had kicked around possible nicknames like DW, Robbie, or even Bert and decided to wait until he was born, to see what his personality was like.

He ended up being called Spider because you swore he grew eight limbs when you were trying to dress him.

He stared at you with wise eyes, much too old to be a baby, as if he knew you down to your very soul. You held him for hours those first few days, wondering if the angels had been merciful and sent Dean's spirit back to you in this body. You couldn't decide if you hoped it was true or not.

Because Dean deserved Heaven, and he deserved eternity with Cas, even if his little brother was a whiny bitch who couldn't move on from his brother's death.

The night Spider turned three weeks old, one year, one month, six days and nine hours after Dean died, a text came across Jody's phone.

It was from Dean's old number, and it was only coordinates.

The coordinates to Rufus' old cabin.

Jody knew you had to go, but she didn't like the idea of you going alone. You told her that if it was a trap, you wanted her to stay put with the baby where they'd be safe. You even etched more protective runes into the door and window frames.

You left within the hour, knowing you couldn't eat or sleep until you knew. Until you knew who or what sent you those coordinates, whether Dean had been brought back again, or if Crowley or something else wanted to send you to Dean.

You really didn't know how hard you would fight, if it came to that.

When Dean slammed you to the floor and sprayed you with holy water, you knew beyond a shadow of a doubt it was your brother. You felt his presence all the way down to your soul.

You were so shocked you couldn't quite form a coherent sentence. You had so much to tell him. That you were living with Jody now. That you had a son, named after him.

It took almost half an hour before you could begin to put the year he was gone into words.

"I guess, um... I guess something happened to me this year, too." You began. "I don't hunt anymore."

Dean was surprised, but before you could tell him the rest, he latched onto one idea.

"Did you look for me, Sam?"

He was livid, and no matter how much you tried to tell him you thought he was dead, he didn't understand.

You slipped outside to call Jody. You told her that it really was Dean, and the two of you needed some time.

She told you it was fine. That she would head home. She was at a motel in Columbia Falls.

You weren't surprised.

You went back in, where Dean immediately started again on the fact you didn't look for him.

You poured yourself a drink, but watching the whiskey splash around in the glass reminded you of seeing black goo splashed onto walls and Crowley telling you that were well and truly alone.

The glass slipped from your hand to shatter on the wooden floor.


	2. Chapter 2

You called Jody.

Even more frightening than your little brother on his knees, arms curled around himself, silently staring at broken glass on the floor and not snapping out of it when you called his name, was the realization that you didn't know where Sam had been for the past year, what he had done, where he lived, or if someone had been taking care of him.

Or who you could call for help, when you couldn't get through to Sam.

Surely he hadn't spent the last year completely solitary. Sam had always been afraid of being alone as a child. Until he got older and hated everyone and continually shouted at Dad and you to leave him alone.

You fished a cellphone, one you had never seen before, from his jacket pocket and pressed a few buttons before you found the call log.

Of the first dozen entries, eight were labeled "Jody" with the others being "Big Cheese Pizza", "Station", and two for "Apex Supply".

That pretty much told you where Sam had been for the past year, especially coupled with the fact the phone had a South Dakota number.

You almost dropped the phone when Jody answered "Hey hon."

"Jody?" you suddenly felt as if you were standing in the middle of a land mine field, and had no idea which movement would blow the ground from under your feet.

"Dean?" She sounded surprised only for a second before her voice became authoritative. "Where's Sam? What's wrong?"

"I don't know what's wrong!" You snapped. "He's kneeling in the floor looking at broken glass and he won't answer me!"

"It's the P.T.S.D.," she sighed. "Just clean up the glass and talk to him calmly, about ... whatever. Not whatever you were talking about that set him off. Touch him, like on his hand. He'll come out of it, maybe in a few minutes, maybe an hour or so. Just ... " she trailed off and took a deep breath. "I knew I shouldn't have let him go alone. Just bring him back here. He's not the same person he was before the thing at Sucrocorp, and it was a bit much to think you coming back was suddenly going to make things better."

"Where is "here"?" You asked in a softer volume but with more intensity. "You want me to bring him to your house?"

Jody huffed. "You two didn't get very far in catching up, did you?"

"Wait," you looked at Sam, still hunched in the floor before turning your attention back to the conversation on the phone. "Are you saying that you and Sam are together now? Like _together _together?"

"Yes, Dean," you could practically hear her eyes roll over the phone. "Sam and I are together."

"Well that's just great!" you burst out. "Fine and dandy! My brother leaves me in Purgatory for a year and doesn't even look for me, and abandons the prophet and the tablets to go play house with ... "

"Dean!" she shouted over you.

"What?" you grumbled.

"I want you to leave there right now. Go to Columbia Falls, to the Glacier Inn. I've already paid for a room for tonight, and I'll meet you there in about 3 hours." she instructed.

"Why?" you demanded.

"Because Sam is upset enough without me beating the shit out of you in front of him!" she shot back.

"You think you ... " you began, and then stopped when your thoughts moved past the threat to grasp what she was saying. "Jody?"

"You don't know what he's been through in the past year!" she barked. She seemed to realize that shouting wasn't going to help anything, and she calmed herself before continuing. "He thought you were dead, Dean! He lost it. He completely lost it. He blamed himself for letting you and Castiel get killed. I picked him up from a mental hospital the day after you disappeared, and the only reason they let me take him was because of the badge. He couldn't deal with you being gone. Do you have any idea how long he set a place at the table for you? He didn't leave the house for two months! For about four months I honestly expected to come in one day to find his brains splattered on the wall! The only reason he never did it is because he was afraid he would end up back in the Cage instead of in Heaven with you!"

"Jody, I ... " You trailed off, having no idea what to say.

"Dean, it's taken him a long time to get to where he is now. Where he can hold a job and go out in public and be a functional adult." She warned. "Don't screw it up for him now."

"What do I do?" You asked.

"Just bring him out of it gently," she instructed. "And then bring him home."

"Ok," You agreed. You could do that, for Sammy's sake. "I'll call you back in a little while."

"Keep me posted."

You swept up the broken glass, and then knelt beside your brother, putting a hand on Sam's shoulder, leaning your foreheads together.

"Hey Sammy," You murmured softly. "I guess there's a lot we haven't talked about yet. Jody told me that you have a home now. And a job. She didn't tell me any details or anything. You get to do that. But I need you to snap out of this so I can take you home."

"Dean?" Sam whispered.

"Yeah, Sammy," You sighed in relief. "It's me. Come on, let's head back to Sioux Falls, ok?"

Sam's fingers tightened around your wrist and he whimpered and your heart nearly broke. "Don't leave."

Your hand untangled from Sam's shirt to come up and brush the side of his face. "No, I'm not leaving you. I talked to Jody. She wants me to bring you home. I'm going with you."

"Ok," Sam nodded.

He hadn't brought his bag in from the car. You swiped a spare duffle hanging in the back of the closet, and grabbed a few of the shirts and two pairs of the jeans Rufus had left there.

"I draw the line at taking someone else's underwear." You joked, zipping up the bag. "Unless it's yours, of course, and I'm leaving them all in a gas station trash can so you have none when we get to the next town." You teased, referring to an incident when you had both been much younger, trying to make him smile. Make him do the bitchface. Make him do anything but look lost and frightened and so young and fragile.

"I have your stuff." Sam frowned at the bag in your hand. "It's at my house."

"What stuff?" You asked, unconsciously tilting your head slightly, like Cas used to do.

"All of your stuff." Sam shrugged. "Your clothes, your weapons, your Busty Asian Beauties, everything. Your bags are in my closet."

"I've been gone a year and you kept everything of mine?" You raised an eyebrow.

"Yeah?" Sam's shoulders hunched defensively, and you understood.

If Sam got rid of your possessions, it meant he accepted that you were never coming back.

"Thanks Sammy." You said softly, with what you hoped was an encouraging smile. "We got gas?" you asked, swinging the duffle to your shoulder.

"Of course," Sam shook his head. "Didn't know what I might have to outrun when I left here."

You were proud of him for a moment, for remembering the things you taught him, for being prepared when walking into an unknown situation.

The two of you closed up the cabin carefully, and after picking up burgers at a drive-thru in Columbia Falls, headed toward Jody's house.

You waited until you were on the road an hour or so before gently prodding "So Jody told me you have an actual home and a job now."

Sam turned sharply, several emotions flickering through his face in rapid succession.

"What else did she say?" Sam asked cautiously.

"Not much." You shrugged. "Said you'd had a rough year."

"Did she tell you about Spider?" Sam stared out the windshield.

"Apparently not, because I have no idea what you're talking about." You shifted in the seat, then raised your head to grin at him, guessing at who Spider was. "Did you finally get a dog?"

"No," Sam squirmed, still not meeting your eyes.

"So ... " You turned back to the road stretching out in front of you. "What kind of job do you have and how did you get good enough fake documentation to get one?"

"I repair guns," Sam informed him. "Or work on them in general, really. Change out barrels and grips, install trigger guards and stuff if that's what the owner wants. I work for myself, from the house. Jody got me started, asked me to fix some guns for the sheriff's department. From there, it was mostly word of mouth. You'd be amazed how many people around there own guns."

You nodded, proud of him, that he had found a way to use the training he had always hated.

"So you and Jody ... " You trailed off, willing Sam to pick up and continue the conversation.

"Yeah, me and Jody." was all he said.

"So is it serious?" you pressed.

"We ... " Sam stammered, his cheeks turning pink. "Uh, yeah. Um. It's kinda serious."

He looked like the boy you had picked up at Stanford years ago, telling you about Jess.

You smiled, an honest, genuine smile. "I'm happy for you Sam. Really."

And you really were.

"I'm sorry, Dean," Sam replied hoarsely.

"For what?" You frowned. "Because you have a thing with Jody?"

"Because I didn't look for you." Sam choked.

"Hey," you reached over and gripped his shoulder again. "You thought I was dead. You didn't think there was anyone to look for. I can't be mad at you for finding a life for yourself."

"I never thought about Purgatory." Sam shook his head, swallowing hard, trying to force back tears.

"Stop it, Sammy," You told him firmly.

You switched the subject then, asking about the world in general while he had been gone. Sam's answers were mostly limited to single words, as he hadn't participated much in the world.

The awkward attempts at small talk finally lapsed into silence, and Sam fell asleep, head against the passenger window, as if nothing had ever changed.

You gently shook him awake once you hit Sioux Falls. "I forgot to ask earlier," you cut his eyes over toward Sam, then back at the road. "If you and Jody ... if you live at her house, where she used to live."

"The one on Holly Avenue, where she moved after Owen and Jason," Sam nodded.

You frowned for a moment, realizing you had never known Jody's husband's name, but Sam referred to the man with familiarity. Before you could comment, he pulled his phone out of his pocket, and dialed.

"Hey, it's me. We'll be there in just a minute. Yeah, I'm ok. Ok. Bye." He said into the phone.

"You call to tell her you're coming home?" You raised an eyebrow.

"We both do." Sam shrugged. "No one gets shot coming in the door."

"Oh," You thought of saying more, but didn't.

Moments later, you turned into the driveway and parked beside Jody's truck.

She opened the door as you came up the walk, nodding "Dean," waving you into the dimly lit living room, but to your surprise, she didn't move to hug or kiss Sam.

Instead, she handed him something, something that was making noise.

"I think he wants you," she said. "I've tried everything but he just won't settle."

Sam took the fabric wrapped bundle from her and held it against his shoulder.

"Hey kiddo. You missed me?"

The squawking noises stopped, and you realized suddenly exactly what Sam was holding.

"You have a _baby?"_ you choked in shock, looking from Sam to Jody.

Sam looked at Jody, then smiled shyly at you. "Dean, this is Spider." He turned his son for you to see.

"You have a baby, a human baby, and you named it _Spider?"_ You asked incredulously.

"No!" Sam snapped automatically, reverting to twelve year old Sammy.

You turned to Jody. "How many painkillers were you on when you agreed to that?"

Jody smacked you upside the head. "Spider is his nickname, idjit!"

You and Sam both momentarily froze at the sound of that word.

"Sorry," she murmured.

You recovered first, taking the baby from Sam's arms. "Well then, what's his real name?"

"Dean," Sam answered softly.

All your breath was knocked out of you by the sound of that one syllable and you looked at your brother. Sam was looking at the baby and didn't  
meet your gaze. Still unable to make your throat work, you turned to Jody, who smiled faintly and nodded.

"Dean Robert Winchester," she supplied, gesturing at her child's father. "Sam picked his name."

Sam's shoulders hunched, and he met your eyes with an embarrassed but unrepentant expression, sort of like the time he was seven and had been caught shoplifting your favorite candy.

Jody slipped out of the room, although neither of you noticed at the moment.

"How old is he?" You asked softly, examining at your namesake.

He had just a dusting of brown hair, barely enough to say he had hair, and Sam's eyes, the odd mix of green, blue, and brown.

"Three weeks, well, three and a half tomorrow." Sam murmured.

And that one sentence plunged you right back into the river of anger.

"I've been gone thirteen months?" You snorted. "You didn't waste any time diving into the apple pie life, didya Sam?"

"You ... Are you serious?" Sam snapped. "Do you honestly think I would have intentionally risked passing demon blood to a child?"

"Oh shit," You breathed, feeling as if you had been kicked in the chest. "Is he ... ?"

"I made up something about a history of unexplained birth defects in our family." Sam sighed."They've tested him for everything known to man, and as far as they can tell, he's perfectly healthy. But then again, I was too until my early twenties."

"He's gonna be fine, Sammy." You promised, looking down at the child who studied you with wide eyes, willing the universe to make it true. "Yellow Eyes is gone. No demon is gonna get near this kid. I don't blame you that you haven't been hunting. You replaced me ... "

"I didn't _replace_ you, Dean!" He shouted. "I ... it was ... you were dead, Dean!" His hands spread wide. "I didn't ... I couldn't hunt any more. Every time I thought about it, I would remember you were gone, Cas was gone, Bobby was gone, Dad, Jo and Ellen ... " he shook his head. "Hunting got everyone we cared about killed! It wasn't that I was afraid of dying, but I was afraid Jody would be next. She was the closest thing to family or friend I had left." he rubbed a hand over his face. "I was just going to stay here for a while until I figured out what I was going to do. And then she got pregnant. We didn't ... I mean, it just happened. I did offer to marry her, by the way. I figured if anything was gonna make John Winchester come back from the dead just to kick my ass ... "

"Yeah," you nodded, with a half-hearted smile.

"He saved my life." Sam looked down at the baby sadly. "He gave me something to live for. You were gone, I couldn't hunt any more, my whole life was ripped out from under me."

He looked at you then, and you saw the same devastation in his face that had been in yours when he died at Cold Oak.

You realized that he had lost the one person who would have truly understood what he was going through.

"I didn't quit hunting because of Spider," Sam concluded. "I quit hunting because you were gone. But I wouldn't have him if I hadn't quit hunting."

He looked at you, not with the puppy dog eyes he reserved for getting his way with strangers, or with the shy smile he used to flirt with waitresses, but with the look he had always given only to you. The look that begged you to believe in him, to be his big brother.

"Sam, for the past year, you've done what you've always done." You looked him in the eye. "You survived whatever life and God and the demons and the angels threw at you. You survived the situation I left you in. And you've had a year with a woman who is obviously crazy about you, and you've got a child named after the best hunter you ever knew."

The two of you stared at each other silently, allowing the old relationship, the ability to communicate without words, to wash over you.

It wasn't fixed, not yet, but it was a lot better than it was a few hours ago. And it would get fixed now, because you knew that was what both of you wanted.

Life wouldn't be the same as before Purgatory, but the Winchesters would adapt and adjust and never let each other go.

Spider began to whimper, making the little sounds that indicated full fledged howling would start momentarily.

"Give him here." Sam held out his hands.

"Nope," You half turned, moving the baby away from his father.

He frowned. "Are you sure?"

You grinned at your brother. "I've got a lot of spoiling to catch up on."


End file.
